Many don’t realize it, but sex is so much more than penetration. If you end up focusing on penetration or treating it as the end result you are working up to, this can lead to a routine many of my clients share killed their sex life. A lot of people start working with me as a coach because sex has become scarce, underwhelming, and less desired all together by one or both parties.
Most people know that trying new things in the bedroom can make sex more fun, interesting, and pleasurable. However, many people share that they don’t know where to start or they worry their partner is not going to want to try the same new acts, therefore making them feel inadequate or unskilled, and a cycle of avoidance can set in, so that they don’t have to experience rejection from their lover.
Chill, y’all. There’s a lot of nuance to the concept of “trying new things”, so first get into a mindset of openness and vulnerability before you begin conversations about sex. Sometimes they will say “hell yes” and sometimes “I’m not sure” and sometimes “Oh honey, no that’s not for me.” All of these responses are okay. But by having these convos, you might discover something you enjoy that you didn’t think you would.
Hell, I do things now that were a hard pass at one point in my life. Either I got more information and education about how to do it correctly, or a way that I liked, or I overcame a taboo.
Here are some ideas and options that are great to enhance the sexual energy and increase pleasure for you and your partner(s) in the bedroom that’s aren’t focused on only penetration.
Oral Sex
For some couples, it’s not hard to image utilizing oral sex to turn up the heat. For others, they avoid it altogether. This can be due to a skill gap for one or both, a lack of confidence, and one thing I’ve seen multiple times – the old “they said I wasn’t very good/doing right, so I stopped trying.”
Yes, everyone has something a little different that they like based on their genitalia. How are you going to learn/get better if you don’t practice? Perhaps you want to read Tickle His Pickle, or She Comes First, or maybe try taking my Clitoracy 102 or Cockworkship class.
You had to learn to be a good driver, right? It didn’t happen overnight. If you want to learn how to drive their vulva or cock, guess what?! It’s time to start practicing!
Building Anticipation
How in the world do you expect your partner to be ready on a moment’s notice? Even if it seems like some penis owners, especially, have a hard-on at the drop of a hat AKA a proactive sexual response cycle, many vulva owners have a reactive sexual response cycle and need to have the flames of desire stoked. It’s not just vulva owners though! Penis owners often share in my practice that they want to be wooed, too.
Foreplay, as Esther Perel says, starts after the last sex act. Meaning – flirt as you get out of bed. Compliment your lover the next day. Touch every time you pass by them in a loving way. Send sexy texts. Leave love notes. Kiss passionately for no reason. Say I love you with intention. Foreplay builds anticipation for the next erotic encounter.
Toys
Toys! Toys! Toys! For real, if you’ve followed me for any amount of time, you know I’m emphatically pro-toy. As I sat across talking toys with my partner’s cousins recently (cause that’s what I do as a sex coach), one said he didn’t see the point in using them. I asked if he had a screwdriver at home, of course yes, and I asked if he had a drill, and if he’d ever use the screwdriver for a job a drill can do? I think he understands the point now!
Vulva owners only cum 20-25% of the time from penetration. Plus, our sexual response cycles from the time of initial arousal to orgasm take longer than penis owners’. We just need more time and more stimulation. You can either wear out your jaw or wrist or add a toy to the mix.
Toys are an accessory, they help people unleash their orgasm faster, or in a more pain-free way. Many people who are arthritic or disabled can’t use their hands, so stop punishing yourself because you think your hands or other body parts should be sufficient. Also, don’t worry a toy will replace you. Never ever in my practice has anyone said they want a toy in lieu of a human.
Solo Sex
When people share with me that they have mismatched libidos, they aren’t prioritizing sex, or they just feel like something is broken because they never get turned on, the first thing I ask about is their solo sex habits. If I had a dollar for every time they reply with some form of “I don’t masturbate,” I would be writing this from a beach in Barbados.
Remember those flames I discussed earlier? Your solo sex practice is going to help stoke those flames of desire. You need to get those feel-good neurotransmitters flowing! Self-touch, smiling, breathing heavy, increasing your pulse, and that release all flush your system with chemicals that your body needs to have a healthy libido.
Also, having O’s on your own will make you desire intimacy more, not distract you and make you want it less with a partner. You are not limited to a small supply of desire and intimacy! Trust me, desire is in abundance within you once you tap into it.
Outercourse
Learning to touch your partner and to touch yourself in front of your partner opens a whole lotta doors sexually. Some couples say they rarely, if ever, participate in hand-jobs, fingering, or nipple play. I’ve had clients and friends say that those things were what they did in their younger days, and perhaps it feels juvenile, or they didn’t seem very good at it, so once they started having intercourse, they simply stopped “fooling around.”
It’s time to think of sex as this huge menu with a large bounty of choices! Choose from a menu of options! Sex can be getting your clit rubbed from behind at the kitchen counter. Sex can be a blow job before work. Sex can be sucking on their nipple while you each use a toy on yourselves. You don’t have to have intercourse at all, or you can order all you want of outercourse, which then leads to a delicious serving of intercourse.
PS – If anything seems too risqué or you cringed at the thought of doing any of the above-mentioned acts, all I’d ask you to do is question why. Is it because someone told you it was dirty, or that “good girls don’t do that?” Working with a coach like me one-on-one, in a couple’s session, or watching my recorded workshops is a great way to work through whatever is holding you back.
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