One of the most important components when you’re getting hot and heavy with someone is the act of asking for consent, better yet, affirmative consent. Affirmative consent is asking for and giving an enthusiastic and verbal “yes” at every step within all intimate and sexual encounters. It’s not something that should be used only once with each new sexual partner(s) and never again, rather it should be an ongoing, sexy conversation to be used consistently before, during, and after every intimate and sexual encounter.
Consent is freely given, meaning it should be given on one’s own terms, without coercion or pressure from the other party (or parties). It is reversible, as it can be taken back at any point during intimate and sexual encounters. Finally, consent needs to be specific, which means that a “yes” to one action doesn’t translate to a “yes” to everything. Consent is a necessary tool that should be used to enhance communication before, during, and after every intimate and sexual encounter.
A common misconception or confusion is that consent can “kill the mood” or take you or your partner(s) out of that sexual mindset. In all actuality, nothing is sexier than consent. It can heighten the erotic energy of the moment, stoking the flames, if you will. The misconception of giving and receiving consent is a “mood-killer” comes from not knowing how to use this communication tool in a sexy way.
Here are a few tips on how to make consent sexy:
Be clear, confident, and curious
When giving consent, use a tone of voice that is right in the moment. Whether it be a whisper, an assertive voice, a submissive voice, or even a moan, using a tone that fits the moment keeps you in the zone, and it can be a fun way of trying a little power play with your partner(s). Being clear and confident with consent helps build trust within every sexual interaction, showing that a partner respects your desires and your limits. This trust also helps create a safe space where you and your partner(s) can feel comfortable to share desires, make negotiations to scenarios, and provide feedback to ensure all parties are enjoying themselves and consenting.
Pass the mic
Asking for consent directly is sexy BUT having your partner(s) tell you what they want done to them is even hotter and maintains affirmative consent. Ask them open-ended questions, like “What do you want me to do to you,” “What have you always wanted someone to do to you,” “Can we do that thing we tried last time again,” or “Where do you want me to touch/kiss you?” Questions like these ensure they feel comfortable with what’s happening in the moment (giving consent), and they get to do something that they enjoy.
Provide constant feedback
Feedback is crucial during every intimate and sexual interaction. It can come in a variety of ways when you’re getting hot and heavy, including saying something hurts or you want to change something, such as trying a new position, adding a toy to the mix, speeding up or slowing down, adding more lube, etc. Providing feedback encourages excellent sexual behavior and communication, as well as builds better trust of comfortabilities and limits among all parties. This results in knowing what one another enjoys and eliminating confusion of affirmative consent.
Ask for what you want
Asking your partner(s) for what you want is a great way to give consent, too. In doing this, you are giving them affirmative consent to do the action you asked for while also showing them more of what you enjoy. Asking for what you want can be done verbally or nonverbally; you can say “Please grab my ass” or you can guide their hand to your butt and use your hand to squeeze theirs. If you ask for what you want and they say they’d rather not do that, take the rejection gracefully and move on to something you both enjoy and want to do, maybe even a compromise of your original request. Making a big deal about being rejected will most definitely “kill the mood.”
See how consent can be one of hottest parts of sex? The things we enjoy outside of the bedroom are constantly changing, so the same goes for inside the bedroom, too. Therefore, giving and receiving consent isn’t just essential, it’s a great communication tool to find out more about you and your partner’s evolving desires.
Remember, if it’s not an enthusiastic “yes,” it’s a “no.”