Don’t Save All Your O’s for Partner Play

How is your Masturbation Month going? Since I practice what I preach, mine is going swell, except for this heatwave we’ve had in the Midwest. Plus, my partner Matthew and I are buying a house! We move at the end of May.

The Power of Words

I am certain that National Masturbation Month has helped start some interesting and important conversations since its inception in the 90s. Believe me, I have them every May. I like how it’s a bit in your face, it’s direct. They didn’t call it National Self-Pleasure Month for a reason. 

But you may have heard me on my podcast say on a couple recent episodes that I’m trying to make the switch to replace the word masturbation in my vocab. Michael Castleman, author of Sizzling Sex for Life, pointed out that the root of that word means “deliberate erotic self-mutilation”. I don’t know about you, but we aren’t mutilating ourselves around here! Quite the opposite!  

Words have power to some people. If saying “masturbation” doesn’t hit home for you, as in it doesn’t feel sexy or erotic to say the word, try “solo sex” or “solo playtime” or “pleasure session” …whatever suits you. 

Masturbation and Orgasms are GOOD FOR YOU

If someone in your life ever told you no good, terrible, awful things about solo sex, they were just plain indoctrinated. Someone before them told them it was dirty or sinful or some version of all the above. The history of controlling and stifling pleasure, and specifically solo sex, was a play right out of Puritan doctrine. John Kellogg may not have marketed his cereal to prevent people from masturbating, but he did write a book about his views on healthy living that included a chapter devoted to proclaiming the “solitary vice” as “the most dangerous of all sexual abuses.”

Orgasms are a healthy function of being human. Some want or crave orgasms more than others (think of a scale where on one end is asexual and the other is highly sexual). Just like I mentioned in my blog “Trying New Things In The Bedroom,” you’re trying to get those happy neurotransmitters flowing to jumpstart or support your libido. Your appetite stays satiated by eating food regularly, right? Well, if you consider yourself a sexual person, then your body and libido needs to be fed pleasure regularly. 

Pleasure is Your Birthright

How you get those orgasms should not be controlled nor dictated by another person. They also shouldn’t be reliant on another person. Only you are in charge of your O’s. Partnered sex and solo sex serve slightly different functions. While both can produce an orgasm, the connections to one’s body and mind are often a bit different. 

“But, I’m turned on so little, I try to save my orgasms for time with my partner.”

I’ve had plenty of couples come to me and say they are saving their orgasms for partnered play time. Sweet darling baby dolls, that’s a very understandable approach, and on some level that makes sense. But to me that’s like saying “I’m not very fit, so I save all my exercising for one day of the month – I just knock it all out at once!” 

In this case, you know your body would be better off if you exercised a couple times a week to start off with. Your body probably is craving those neurotransmitters that are produced during your sexual response cycle. You just may not have tuned in to your lack of them yet. Plus, many of us have a reactive sexual response cycle, so once you’re fooling around, you’re turned on, vs a proactive sexual response cycle where they are turned on and then they want to fool around. 

Try setting a regular date for yourself for solo play time, especially if you find that your libido is low or you are not craving partnered play time. This is not to replace anyone. This is to get your body into training mode. The more often you cum on your own, the more often you will crave partnered play time. I can nearly guaran-damn-tee it. 

“But what if I…”

Before you ask – no, you can’t run out of pleasure hormones, in this case at least. Humans aren’t limited to a finite amount of pleasure they can experience. You can’t top out no matter how hard you try in the bedroom. There is nothing wrong with experiencing immense levels of pleasure. You will not wear yourself out by having a regular personal pleasure practice and. You will, in fact, have so much more to give your lover when you do.

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