Men need love too! How being Sweetly Sensual Sara taught her empathy

 

 

In a follow up to my blog, “What I learned about myself, dating, and relationships while moonlighting as a phone sex operator”, I interviewed Sweetly Sensual Sara. She’s a sex coach and a fetish expert. She’s also a professional phone sex operator, online dominatrix, and all around badass boss lady. Sara has built a business around her online persona and found a distinct niche as an entrepreneur. As the hostess of the Must Love Fetish podcast, Sara helps educate her listeners through interviews with real people living with “mild to wild fetishes and kinks”. Think things like Macrophilia aka Giantess obsession, Crossdressing, and Looners. Have some questions after reading that? Go have a listen to her podcast.

BONUS: She has a delicious South African accent.

I wanted to get her perspective on what it is like to be a professional PSO with an entire persona in contrast to my experience with a dispatch site. I’m curious how she built her business, what her clientele is like, and what she’s learned about fetish, kink, and herself through her work. What surprised me was hearing about what she learned about men. Trust me, she’s definitely not out to convince them to leave their relationships to go live a sex-crazed life of total fetish immersion. In fact, she might be helping him become a better lover and partner.

Stick with me here…

My experience was that I had to be all things to all people with the dispatch site I was on. Tell me, Sara, what is your PSO site like?

“The site that I’m working on is like the PG-13 side of phone sex. There are rules. There are numerous things we are not allowed to discuss – under 18 stuff, not even talking about what you did while you were under 18, bestiality, bodily fluids like water play or menstruation, anything that could be considered obscene. I auditioned for several sites (auditions involve you calling in and leaving a message, then waiting to get a call back). I had one company I auditioned for 3 times. With this company, which was a dispatch site, I had to be all things – like you mentioned, and with things like age play… I just can’t do that! I had to really think about it, and the woman that runs this site basically said ‘This is the third time you’ve auditioned and gotten our hopes up (women with accents are in high demand). This industry isn’t for you.‘ I have a defiant personality, like… ‘don’t tell me what to do’.

“I chose this company on purpose, and here you get to be your own boss. You get to use your own pictures if you want, there’s no minimum amount of hours a week you have to be logged on. You can go on vacation if you want, and you can’t with dispatch sites. I made sure I had enough money saved up for 3 months of expenses. I felt like if I got to the end of 3 months and used up all my money, I felt I could always just go get another job. But it’s worked out. I took the plunge, I set up a character, I got a designer to do my (web)page, and I went for it. I quickly built up a clientele and was getting feedback that it was nice that they didn’t feel like I was just trying to take their money. They felt like they were talking to a real human being

“Three years later, here I am. When I first started, I thought it would be very vanilla, and just focused on the phone sex, but it’s been so much more. This has ignited my passion for human sexuality, and I didn’t know that was going to be my path.”

Why do you feel like you’re so successful?

“I have a lot of respect for the phone sex industry, and I treat accordingly – with respect. It’s not easy money, you have to really know about sex. You can’t just expect to answer the phone and (in a raspy voice say) “Hello…” And expect it to work. If you look at the other successful women on this site, they all treat it like a business, we have a community, they support one another on the site with things like book recommendations and ideas for fetish play. I’ve been blown away by these women and their intelligence and knowledge. Now that I’ve figured out that I want to get my Ph.D. in Sexology eventually, and I’ve started the podcast, I’m very focused.

“Ultimately, I wouldn’t be successful if I wasn’t a good person, treated my clients with respect, and gave them what they want.”

Treat your clients right and the rest will follow! Speaking of, what are your clients like?

“These are professional men. These are successful men. Highly intelligent – doctors, lawyers, from all walks of life really. They are all wanting to enjoy and experience their sexuality without judgment. ‘I just want to say hi to someone that is going to make me feel better, without going to a therapist‘. I’ve heard that a lot. Especially from my transgender clients.”

What do you wish women knew about you? As in, if your clients’ wife or girlfriend or husband or boyfriend (because you get calls from people of every sexual orientation) knew their partner was calling you, what do you wish they could understand? 

“I’m not there to steal them away. I’m very pro-marriage and I want people to make their relationships work. Men will call me asking for advice. That’s how I got interested in sex coaching. Many times, 8 of 10 calls, aren’t about having phone sex… they just want to talk, they want advice. Sometimes even after 20 years, [his partner] is still a mystical creature to them that they don’t understand. I like to think I’ve helped a lot of men with their relationships.”

How do you find clients?

“I really feel I’m a marketing guru. I use Twitter a lot. We use bidding [on my site] to get to the front of the pages. Callers aren’t going to go through thousands of pages. I always make sure I’m on the top 5 pages, and often times they didn’t know what they are getting into when they call, and then we start developing a relationship from there. It’s not just phone sex, so I pull them in and keep them.

“Every time you get a 5-star rating, you move up. Right now I’m #1 in one of my categories because I get a lot of reviews. I ask for them at the end of the call. I give good customer service. For instance, if a call gets dropped, most girls just move on. I email them and apologize and ask them if we can reconnect or if I can make it up to them. Like, would they enjoy a few free minutes or a free picture? Then they come back. It’s so much cheaper to get a customer and keep them than find new ones.”

What do you most enjoy about your work as a PSO?

“I think what I enjoy most is the connection that I have built up with my clients. Not all, but some. I think it’s really knowing, like putting the phone down and thinking ‘I made his day’. Most of the men that tend to call me aren’t the ones that would call just anybody, just any PSO line. They call me because they trust me.

“Helping a client realize his fantasies is fulfilling. I come up with interesting ways to engage them – like, I’ll read up on his fetish and try to come up with different ways to help him enjoy it. I’m a writer, so I’ll research, and write out like an hour-long audio play, where he can just lay back and listen and enjoy. I’ll even have music playing along with it.”

Writers note: Sara walked me through an example of what she might do for someone with a foot fetish. I was so busy listening and enjoying the sound of her voice, and what she was saying was pretty hot, sooooo I stopped typing. Sorry not sorry. People pay her for that shit and I was getting it for free!

What have you learned most about yourself from this experience?

“That human sexuality is my passion. I’m a fetish coach now. I started my podcast, Must Love Fetish, as a labor of love. I’m very much in love with my own voice, so the podcast was a natural fit.”

I’m kind of in love with her voice, too. But she shared with me that she’s not always been such a smooth talker…

“I can actually speak on the phone and not be nervous [now]. I used to be nervous to call and order a pizza. I couldn’t even do that!”

On a more big picture note…

“It’s restored my faith in men. Before I started phone sex work, I had some real ups and downs, some toxic relationships, and I got to a point where I really disliked men. ‘They all cheat, they all lie.’ It all changed. I got access to a world that most of us don’t get to experience. My empathy for men has increased. My male friends, who don’t know I do this, open up to me more now about their relationships.

“Men lack intimacy. They want intimacy as much as women. There’s this misconception that they are skirt chasers, but I’ve realized how vulnerable men can be. I’ve become more intuitive about what to say, and ask, in order to get them to open up. They have one thing in common – they want to talk.

“And some want to get off. There’s that too…”

 

 

You can find Sweetly Sensual Sara online via Twitter @SaraSweetly or her website.

Kristen Thomas is the Owner and Head Coach of Open the Doors Coaching, LLC. She helps people nurture their love lives as a relationship, dating and sex coach. Follow Kristen via Twitter @openthedoorskc, Facebook, and Instagram. Need help with your sex life or relationship? Striking out on dating sites? Looking to host a private group event or workshop with a coach? Email her at Kristen@openthedoorscoaching.com.

One comment

  1. Jeff

    Very cool. Thanks for sharing! I learned a lot.

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